Mothers Who Know

My Relief Society lesson yesterday was the talk "Mothers Who Know" by Julie Beck, Relief Society General President, given at General Conference in October 2007. I admit, as I sat in the Conference Center and listened to her speak, I struggled a bit. I'm not sure what it was, maybe mostly that it seemed to put all mothers into one mold, when in reality we are all so different. I think as women we also judge ourselves harshly against the ideal and feel inadequate if we aren't doing everything perfectly.

Preparing for the lesson was good for me, and I learned a lot more from the talk than I did when I first heard it. Another source of enlightenment for me was the Worldwide Leadership Training (on February 9th) where Elder Oaks, Elder Holland, Sister Beck, Sister Lant (Primary General President), and Sister Tanner (YW General President) had a round table discussion that touched on so many of the same topics. I must confess that this meeting was a small source of contention in our house--one of us didn't want to pay a sitter for a Saturday morning church meeting, the other of us was just glad to get dressed up and go somewhere without the kids for a couple of hours. All of that aside, it was worth going to, at least for me. The topic of the meeting--"Building Up A Righteous Posterity"--covered so many great things, although we had to chuckle as we spent two hours on a Saturday at a meeting where they spoke at length about cutting out extra church things in favor of more family time... but I guess it's something we'll apply in the future, right?

The one thing that stuck out to me more than anything was a discussion on the term "homemaker". I don't think I'm alone in having negative feelings about that title... I picture someone who never gets ready for the day and all she does is cook and clean and has no other talents or interests. This talk and the round table discussion broadened my view a bit... homemaking is nurturing and much more than that.... it is making a home (duh!) which has many aspects, like making sure our family members' needs are met (ugh, I guess that includes housework and cooking), making our homes a safe haven, and making it a learning environment for our children. In that light, I can feel better about being a "homemaker". I still reserve the right to use other titles--domestic goddess, CEO of my home/family, human resources director, etc.... but it's all really just semantics. It comes down to something that Elder Oaks said: "Homemaking is to make the environment necessary to nurture our children toward eternal life, which is our responsibility as parents. And that homemaking is as much for fathers as it is for mothers." Don't you love that thought? Homemaking is for every parent--not just "stay-at-home moms", but for every person that is a parent. I might add too, that some people who don't have their own children still have the opportunity to make a home where other people can learn and grow and be nurtured.

Our discussion during the lesson could have turned ugly--several women made comments that could have been misconstrued (judgments against working moms or families that put off having children and even comments about how two children is just too few or more than four is just too many)--it was challenging as the teacher to use those comments to make the most important point, that we cannot and should not judge one another. For example, I have believed for a long time that many "stay-at-home moms" have so many outside commitments (community organizations, personal interests, even church callings) that not one of us can really say that we dedicate 100% of our time and efforts to parenting. I loved something else that Elder Oaks said--he quoted Pearl Buck (a favorite author of mine) who said "I love my children with all my heart, but I can't love them will all my time." I also have experienced the sorrow at not being able to have more children--and I hope that people don't look at me and wonder why I am "limiting" my family size in favor of material pursuits.

When it comes down to it, we don't know circumstances or desires or heartaches or efforts. Having a family (when, where, how, how many, etc.) is such a personal thing, between husband and wife and the Lord. Many times circumstances are beyond our control, and we all just try to do the best we can with what we have.

I hope that I can do better to believe firmly that every parent is really just putting their best foot forward and doing the best they know how. I hope that I can support and love and assist people in being the best homemaker they can, and that in the process I can be a good homemaker too.

**Do you have negative feelings about the term "homemaker"?
**What other terms do you use for yourself (or your spouse)?
**Have you ever been in Relief Society (or another church meeting) where things got ugly?